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Age: 50-59
Loretta
breast cancer
stage two

I was 48 years old when I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in July 1999. Although my mammogram was reported to show no cancer, I had felt a lump and asked to have a biopsy done. I had a modified radical mastectomy with a tram flap reconstruction. I was filled with so much anxiety and fear; I was afraid of dying, I was afraid of leaving my grown son, an only child motherless. I didn't know how my husband would manage financially if I were unable to work any longer. My husband had previously gone through a bitter break up and divorce and he really didn't deserve any more tragedy in his life. I cried for four days when I was first diagnosed. I tried to be strong, but fell apart after the surgery. My body which I had once felt was attractive was now disfigured. My naturally curly hair had always been my crowning glory? Now I would be bald. Every day was mental torture.

I didn't miss a day of work throughout my six month of chemotherapy treatment, and my anxiety eased somewhat after I'd returned to work. After chemotherapy was over, I started on tamoxifen therapy and the subsequent hot flashes, etc. Everyone thought I was a soldier...but I didn't feel strong and I had lost all of my self confidence. I felt ugly, disfigured, and I felt mentally foggy. I wondered how or if my life would ever be the same again. Doctors had recommended that I take an antidepressant but I refused this, feeling to do so would admit weakness.

It is now three years later, and I have actually started being able to live with myself again. I realize that I am still very attractive despite not having a "perfect" body. As my husband reassures me, inner beauty radiates out. The ghost of cancer has stopped haunting my every day and night.

Unfortunately, I have recently been diagnosed with a recurrence of breast cancer under the skin near the scar from the reconstruction.

Other tests for metastasis do not show the cancer has spread. I just had surgery, and I am hoping for the best from the pathology report. I will have to have radiation treatment and I am not sure about what treatment I will need beyond this.

My hair has grown back as beautiful as ever, and I feel just as attractive as I ever have. I still don't feel quite as mentally keen as I had before my cancer. But it's okay. I don't have to be perfect to be cool.

I am not so afraid this time. I know that I can handle whatever lies ahead. I know that I will have to be vigilant for the rest of my life. But I can do this. And I am worth it!

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