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Age: 40-49
Suzi Paul
breast cancer
stage two

I was 42 when I first detected a small lump growing underneath a "beebee" in my left breast. I was shocked and petrified to learn it was in fact stage two breast cancer and it had spread into 2 out of 16 lymph nodes. I received the best care and underwent very aggressive chemotherapy for 4 months and radiation for another 3 months. It was difficult at times but my family and I were blessed with so many small miracles during this time, it made it a rewarding experience.

I am the mother to 5 children from 21 to 4 years old so my survival instinct was strong. But, I wasn't prepared for the changes I needed to make until I found out 2 years later that I had a recurrence!

My husband and I immediately went to an emotional state of, "I'm dead". And now, I realize that I'm not dead at all, but probably more alive than I would have been had I not had to go through these challenges!

My cancer is estrogen positive cancer and it is responding to the removal of estrogen (first through Lupron shots and now the removal of my ovaries). This time I took a new approach to my life, realizing that I needed to make emotional changes inside. I had neglected myself in becoming a career person, and then a "supermom".

My family and I are very spiritual so the support I received from them and my friends has been second to none! But, the real change had to come from within me. I slowed down enough to hear the birds singing each day, appreciate bright sunny mornings, take time for me. I've always been very active with my children but now playing ball, skiing and other activities are foremost in my life. I thank my Heavenly Father for such simple things as another day to spread joy and love and to be loved.

There was one area however that had to change, and I didn't know how to change it. My husband, who shares the same zest for life, made it difficult both times I was diagnosed, in that he couldn't deal with the thought of losing me. Instead of being there, he abandoned his feelings for me and shut himself off using any excuse he could (busy at work, stressed over finances, hobbies around the house, too tired for romance).

Our happy married life took an isolating turn. I am a strong, independent woman who thought I could ignore his inability to deal with me and my situation, but it truly was hurting me inside. I needed to rediscover me and him,(through my Heavenly Fathers' eyes), to gain peace and strength to change this so I could eliminate a huge stress and beat this thing again.

Me becoming more loving and calm and accepting of my cancer and ability to survive, and loving my husband regardless of his abandonment, has rekindled our marriage and added such joy to our lives. It's taken lots of hard work, forgiveness, and open communication; mostly with me listening to him, when I actually needed to be listened to.

I share this now because some of my cancer buddies (we call ourselves the bravehearts) have experienced this block with their mates as well. It's not an easy disease for any of the family members and sometimes the spouses need as much healing power as the patients.

As I begin each new day I am blessed with the gifts that cancer does award:

that of living my life with a bigger zeal, with more compassion for others,

I listen more, I have journals for each of my children, and I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father who gives me the peace to know that He will always be there for me and my family.

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