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50-59
Phoebe Lange
breast cancer
stage one

On Monday we had to have our 13 year-old dog Petie put to sleep. She was deaf, had cataracts, arthritis and had just developed a huge tumor on her side that was most likely cancer. It was really harder than I thought it would be so I cried a lot. Meanwhile, I was waiting to hear about the stereotactic core biopsy I'd had the previous Thursday after the radiologist discovered microcalcifications on my routine mammogram, and follow-up ultrasound and additional mammogram.

Of course, the results were to be ready on Friday but everyone had the day off for "Good Friday." I had seen the x-rays and done a little research. I pretty much knew it was malignant. Less than a year ago I had a big scare about ovarian cancer and "knew" that it wasn't - even though my gynecologist was really worried. I was right about that and had the cysts and one ovary removed 6 weeks after I had a total hip replacement done on my left hip. Believe it or not I've always felt pretty healthy.

Anyhow, right after I got home on Monday, after burying Petie, there was a message from my doctor's office asking me to come in at 2:30 that day. They don't ask you to come in if something is benign so I knew something was up. The path report showed a nuclear grade 3 intraductal carcinoma with comodonecrosis and I saw a surgeon the next day. Did some research and her plan to do a nuclear study on the sentinel node earlier in the day of a scheduled lumpectomy made sense. Depending on what that shows I'll

either have or not have my lymph glands removed. We're planning to follow up the surgery with about 6 weeks of radiation therapy and then probably tamoxifen. I never asked a doctor for a tranquilizer before, despite a daughter with a usually fatal illness or my dad dying of lung cancer, but I did this time. I only use the Xanax to help me sleep and it does.

I had my whole family over for Easter for two days and we blew eggs and decorated them, dyed hard boiled ones, ate good food and played Trivial Pursuit. My three daughters who are in college were great.

I work at home so I turned down one project that was just too time intensive but kept another two - I do PR consulting, writing, etc. for non-profits. I also mentor a teenage girl and though I might not be able to see her as often, I'm her first phone resource. I went to the library and got tons of books to help me understand this (I'm much better at the GI system) and then had my doctor fax the path report today so I could really understand it.

I think I have a pretty good chance of getting through this o.k. I have a great husband (second one and a vast improvement). Whatever, there's lots I love to do - read, write, spin, weave, watch movies, cook and eat good food, design things, use my computer a lot and play with all my dogs, cats and horses. Whatever happens, I've always felt the cup is three-quarters full. Despite a devastating illness to my youngest daughter when she was 18 months old, she lived and flourished when all the odds said she should be dead.

So, I know I'll have really bad days--really good days and days when I just don't give a hoot. But whatever happens, it's wonderful to know that I'm not the only person this has ever happened to and I bless my family and good friends for always being there when I really need them - and I don't ask very often.

Please all of you, tell me how you are and what helped you get through the bad days. And maybe, if you're having one, I could help you a little too.

I'm scared because I'm only 51 and I don't want to die. I'm pissed because I was just beginning to feel pretty good after my other stuff and had won couple of proposals for PR projects that I really wanted to do.

I want to see my grandchildren - when my girls are married and ready for that; and I want the time and energy to fulfill some of the dreams I still have - like skydiving. And going to Paris. And writing a book.

Thanks for listening and letting me blow off some of my jumbled thoughts. It's just comforting to know that you are out there too.

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